So you like to play with toys? I’ve found some crazy stuff on the internet and through some of my phone sex expert friends. Here’s a little snapshot of how technology has come pretty far over the past few years. The following is my personal opinions on the top three most e-mailed ideas.

First, I found this toy that looks like a miniature pussy. Some lunatic from out West made it and was selling it at private parties. You hook this bad boy up to your dick and make the call. You might not believe this, but the telephone cord connects to the device (as an intermediary) and then to the handset. As the girl whispers, it vibrates on your cock slowly… but as she starts moaning and getting louder, the thing gets stronger and stronger. My honest opinion? I felt like I got my dick caught in a massager. Weird at best.

They also sell this weird thing that hooks up to your cell phone. It’s for girls and they put the fake cock inside their pussies. Then when you call their cell phone, depending on what extension you type in, it vibrates at different speeds. This sounds cool but would probably get boring real quick and make me want to reach through the phone and just fuck.

Check this homespun idea out, again from some cool boys out West. These guys take cotton wash cloths and get a bucket of soapy warm water nearby. As they talk to the girl on the phone, they drench the washcloths and wrap it around their cocks. With ALOT of imagination and a really good phone sex operator they claim its exactly like sex.

What ever happened to the good old hand?

Over the years I have heard hundreds of stories from guys that call a phone sex line and get “addicted” to a certain phone sex operator. They call back the main “dispatch” line and want to be connected with the same girl, but alas, it doesn’t work out. The operator has no clue as to which girl you were connected to the last time you called. Know how to fix this?

First and foremost, be sure that when you are calling a phone sex line, you are calling a quality line. What distinguishes a quality line from a fly-by-night company? A quality phone sex company will train its operators to keep discreet, private records of which phone sex girl you were paired up with on your last call. This allows them to weed out the bad girls and filter you back to the same person you had last time, if you like.

Second, if you have just had a mind blowing phone sex experience, be sure to ask the girl for her name, and the usual times that she works. You’d be surprised how eager she will usually be to give you that information. More calls requesting her means more money in the bank. Be polite, tell her how much you have enjoyed her time, and ask her when she will be working again.

Last, if you feel uncomfortable asking the girl for her name or her next shift, then see if she would be willing to give you her email address. Often times, guys establish pretty cool relationships with phone sex operators just by dropping them an email every now and then. Warning here, don’t be a freak and email them every day. Don’t propose to them. Be cool, be mature, be sweet, and your days will be filled with phone sex fun.

First of all - finding a reputable phone sex number can be the decisive factor in whether or not you enjoy the call. Dialing an overseas number could cost me more than you want to pay. Dialing into some recorded garbage could prove annoying and costly. Calling some scam line that sells your identity could prove disastrous.

Alot of guys used to find phone sex numbers by looking in the back of the local “alternative” newspapers in the area in which they lived. This was fine for last decade, because it was pretty much the only way for phone sex services to advertise. That all ended with the advent of the internet.

Today, surfing online has become one of the most popular and effective ways and uncovering those hidden phone sex gems. But you should still be cautious. Do not call a line if the website looks shoddy or hastily put together. Do not call any line and promises to show you photographs of the operators - as most legitimate services will NOT PROVIDE PHOTOGRAPHS for their operators - for safety reasons!

Also, you really want to find a number that provides operators. Operators can be vital when it comes to billing issues, workarounds, fantasy and girl selection, and overall customer satisfaction. They provide a sounding board for you to speak directly with the company behind the line.

Or you can just skip all the research and call the best lines out there - mine.

The first time I was surfing around and saw an advertisement for a 011, or 012 number, I thought the author of the website had made a mistake. Seriously, I had no fucking clue what the guy was talking about. Do you guys even know how to god damn dial a 011 number? I’m lucky I can call my mother across the country, let alone some phone sex call center in the god damn middle of the Atlantic Ocean.

Sorry if I sound bitter, but everyone must realize that if you call an overseas number (prefix of 011, 000, 010, or any other weird looking shit that isn’t a 800 number) then you are asking for trouble. Now before I get the deluge of emails telling me that I’m a lying bastard because alot of phone sex girls from the UK run lines that look like that - I’ll get into it.

Here’s a simple rule that will keep you from getting ripped off by overseas phone sex companies. If you live in America, call a 800, 888, or 900 number. Preferably the 800 number that will connect you with a live operator. These are the safest and oldest companies.

If you absolutely crave a girl with a British accent, and the chick on the line isn’t really doing it for you, then go find a quality UK phone sex website that advertises its line as UNITED KINGDOM. Otherwise, avoid any strange looking lines like the plague. You just might save yourself a serious phone sex headache.

Alot of guys don’t realize that there are times when calling a phone sex number will result in the largest selection of girls and fantasies. This is especially important for those guys that are looking for the very taboo or extreme type calls that only a select few phone sex operators are able to truly satisfy. They call at eight in the morning on Tuesday and wonder why the operator is telling them that “Mistress Extreme” is not working right now.

Whether a girl has a private phone sex number or works through a phone sex dispatch company, she most likely has a day job as well. What does this mean? Come on guys, common sense. If you are interested in exploring a fantasy about fucking monkeys while a girl smears peanut butter on your nuts, you should probably wait till Friday or Saturday evening to place that one. This will give you the best chance at landing a girl that will be able to truly fulfill you desires.

On the other hand, if you are the type of guy who just wants to chat, or is interested in the traditional phone fuck, then by all means, daytime and weekday calls are fine. Another trick is to ask the phone sex operator when she is available, or if she has any friends that work during the day (or whatever time you like to make your calls). You’ll be better prepared for the next call and less dissapointment means better phone sex.

Even the king has to admit that when I first started calling phone sex lines in my massive attempt at understanding the industry, I would often sit there on the phone like a dead rabbit. I’d run out of things to say! You think its hard talking to your aunt Edna about grades and what job interview you been on last week? Try calling up fifty girls a day, girls you have never met, and instantly striking up conversation about fucking, licking, sucking and getting off. Life is tough.

My grueling experiment will be your treasure trove. Ok, when the girl picks up the line, ask her for her name. Tell her your name. Talk nicely to her. Even if you have a fetish where you want her to talk about kicking you in the nuts, pissing on your face, or what not, START the conversation gently.

Tell her that she sounds so pretty. Tell her she is sexy. Right off the bat. “Wow, you sound beautiful.” She’ll reply with something like “Thank you” and you hit her with “You sound so sexy, its incredible.” This will get your foot in the door and get the ball rolling. Slip in the fact that you are new and then bring up the type of experience you are looking for.

Easing into conversations by letting the girl know you respect her is key. Sincere, sweet, compliments work wonders. It is those crucial first few minutes when the girl is going to say to herself, “This guy is a fucking jerk, let me watch TV while he moans” or “Wow, this guy is cool. I’ll try my best to really blow his mind.”

Trust me boys, you want choice number 2.